I started to discover food as the source of life at age 12. It was a love/ hate relationship. I hated to eat because I was afraid of getting fat and yet I had to eat because if I didn’t I would get dizzy and get into fights with people who supposedly cared for me.
This struggle continued from the age of 12 until age 32.
I decided the only way to get over it was to do more. I would show everyone I was strong and that I could do anything. As I continued to do great things for others, I felt good but then that fantastic feeling went away and I was miserable and alone. I had to pick “do I eat or not eat’?
When I didn’t eat I felt lighter but I also got dizzy and felt from it. As soon as I ate -I picked at my food and ended up eating crap later and slept it off. I never knew who was really my friend because there were so many people who treated me badly, teased me, I felt as though my life was a joke.
There were points when I decided that I could kick this -I was decided. I realized how unhappy I was and decided I had to do something to change that -so I discovered that when I did daring and new things I got my excitement and life back. After a while, however, the distress came back so I found somewhere else to go.
There were many times when I seriously thought I was going crazy. There were times when my friends thought I was suicidal. I decided that it was not safe to share feelings with other people because I will get into trouble if I did.
When I sought help I was told that I was “perfect”, it was “all in my head” or that everybody goes through that. Just eat from all the food groups.
Finally at the age of 31 I was living alone -what a blessing -nobody to watch over me, I could do what I wanted. This time I’d be fine -I assured myself. I’d pray -Dear God, if you get me through this I guarantee I will never to do it again. How often did I break that promise?
My ways of gaining control were not working. I would attempt to make myself throw up and I could not. There are many others who can do this better. I’m such a wuss.
That’s one of the key reasons I could never go through with killing myself. I was afraid of what other people would think of me. Then on the other hand I would think about everything I wanted to do in my life. And the fact that I am so afraid of dying, death and life. Life would be so much better with out food and feelings as well as with friends because then they wouldn’t worry about me and I wouldn’t feel guilty about letting them down. There was no escape now -isolated in my living room dreading my entire life. I had to do something …